Coming out of the Obama Closet

Despite the don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy in this state regarding an individual’s liberal tendencies, I am letting caution slip discreetly under the door as I officially come out of the Obama Closet. The comfort of the Obama Closet appealed to me one Sunday afternoon as I listened to Grandpa Tufnel prophesy of the inevitable destruction of the country we love. “If the people of this Nation vote for Barack HUSSEIN Obama,” Pampa growled, “they shall surely be destroyed!” (Note to the reader: I have bolded and capitalized Obama’s middle name so that you read it louder than the first and last name. If you didn’t read it that way, please go back and do it now.) As I listened to those frightening words, I immediately jumped into the Obama Closet and slammed the door behind me. And there I sat, for a year and a half, worrying that by voting for Barack Obama I had brought down condemnation on the United States of America, my family, and potentially my own soul. I would often hear friends and loved ones curse Obama and his followers, describing them with words such as “Socialist”, “Communist”, “Marxist,” and the most horrifying of all, “Progressive!” These labels drove me deeper and deeper into the Obama Closet. “Of course Obama is trying to destroy our country”, I found myself shouting; “any other idea of his intentions is absurd!” The closet began to wear on me. It all came to a nasty white head after a long day of driving listening to the three-headed Rush, Sean, and Glenn Monster. I decided that I would no longer let my liberal muscles atrophy in the cold dark Obama Closet. And so, it is true Mom, Dad and my beloved Pampa; I go to church and live in the wonderful State of Utah, but I voted for Barack Obama. There, I said it and it feels good. Furthermore, as I officially come out of the Obama Closet today, I would like to declare February 11th “I’m a Utahn and I Voted For Obama Pride Day.” I encourage all Obama Closet dwellers to join me for a Mii Parade tomorrow night at 8:00 p.m. to celebrate. Let us lock the door behind us and turn the Obama Closet into a nice mahogany HOPE chest.