Slap Bracelets 101

I can't tell you how many times I've been asked, "Hey bud, where on this good earth can I find myself a slap bracelet as sporty as the one you're sportin', sport?"

"Well," I reply, with a hesitant whisper, "Do you think you're ready to take on the responsibilities that come along with a slap bracelet such as this?" I then proceed to take my listener on the exciting journey/narrative that you are about to embark upon. What you are about to experience, ladies and gentlemen, is nothing more or less than the legend, history, tale, and true story based on actual events of the infamous slap bracelet.

Origins of the slap bracelet can be traced back to a small village in Zimbabwe, locals calls the area Lusaka. Researchers have discovered that in or around the year 472 B.C. the Lusakan villagers began a ritual that was preformed by the young, puberty age, males of the tribe. The young men would dance around a large fire pit (a boum-bernner) in a large circle. Each would hold large corn husks in each hand. They would slap the husks around the wrist to the persons adjacent to them, while chanting, "Um Bah, Um Bah, Hoopa Doo Slaug. Arie Jung. Aire Jung, ie fo Ha." Which, interpreted is, "As these thick husks hang from our wrists, so now, from boy to man, will our unsightly body hair will attempt to infest our already unsightly bodies. With the slapping of these husks we make a promise to never allow our nappy body hair to infest our bodies as did our ancestors of old." Some researchers believe that the Oompa Loompas from "Charlie and Chocolate Factory" are singing this same chant in their popular song that has become such a hit with the youngsters.

Slapintologists believe that this slapping of the corn husks has been passed from culture to culture over the centuries, from pow-wow to pow-wow, evolving from corn husks in Africa, to ice-sickles on the polar caps, to won-tons in China, to laderhosen in Germany, to our present day slap bracelet material right here in your own back yard. Or front yard. Which ever part of the yard you're more inclined to find yourself slapping on your slap bracelet.

So, the next time you look down at the brightly colored bracelet you just slapped on your wrist, remember those primitive Lusakan villagers, and their promise to refrain from unsightly body hair, and realize that everytime you hear the sound of a slapping bracelet, that promise has been renewed.

Other Unknown Facts about the Slap Bracelet

-Abraham Lincoln, during his infamous Gettysburg Address was wearing an early 19th century slap bracelet made of a possum pelt and some wheat kernels. During varying intervals of his speech, to add intensity and emotion, he would slap his bracelet against his wrists. Lincoln mentions in his journals that, "It [the slap bracelet] truly did prove to be quite a crowd pleaser..." Some historians believe that John Wilkes Booth was not attempting to shoot and kill Lincoln, but only to shoot Lincoln's wrist, thereby dislodging his slap bracelet, whereby, Booth could snatch Lincoln's slap bracelet and hold it as ransom against the President.

-The well beloved character from Star Trek, the next generation, Data, wears a visor over his eyes which allows him to see properly. That visor prop was made out of nothing more or less than a slap bracelet, some Elmer's glue, and sprinkle of glitter.

-Barack Obama has been wearing the same slap anklet on his left ankle since 1987. His wife says it smells of corned beef and sulfur. Barack says it kinda makes him feel like Gary Colmen, and that's why he wears it, to keep himself humble.

-J. R. R. Tolkien's critically acclaimed novel, Lord Of the Rings, initially was titled "Shire of the Slap Bracelets". The plot centered around Frodo and Sam slapping their way, with supernatural slap bracelets, through middle earth to Mordor. There they would find the gatekeeper of all slap bracelets, Sauron, whose body was just one big slap bracelet. During the writing process of "Shire of the Slap Bracelets," Tolkien somehow miss placed one of his most beloved slap bracelets. To write of bracelets reminded him of his long lost slap bracelet that meant so much to him. The pain was too much. He got to a point couldn't write a single line about bracelets without weeping like a child. He ended up altering the entire novel, and it now is what we know today as "Lord of the Rings."