As I began to write a mental list of some of the events that made me say to myself, "who on this good earth has let the dogs out?", one event continued to overpower all other events in my mind. I'm sure you already know what I speak of. It is something that has taken us all by surprise, and has, quite frankly, turned our world upside-down. It has changed everything. Things that once appeared to be the color of magenta, have suddenly taken on a periwinkle hue. Instead of knitting, everyone is croshaying. Instead of everyone eating Top Ramen, it's all about Cup of Noodles.
What has caused these dramatic demographic shifts to occur in our society? It was something tragic. And it happened in 2009. Tuesday, February 10, 2009 will now be a chapter heading in most history textbooks, for that was the horrific day Lee Redmond broke her fingernails! Yes, the exact Lee Redmond you are thinking of. The notorious Guinness Book of World Record- holding the much sought after title of "World's Longest Fingernails." Lee's nails measured a total of more than 28 feet long, with the longest nail on her right thumb at 2 feet, 11 inches, according to the Guinness Web site. And apparently those daggers attached to her fingers made it difficult for her to drive, which in turn, may have lead to the car accident she was in. This ksl.com article http://www.ksl.com/?nid=333&sid=5578344 states that no life threatening injuries were sustained. But that depends on one's definition of "life threatening". Her physical injuries may not have been life threatening, but as those incredibly long, yellow-hued swords fell from her fingers, hitting the pavement and shattering into a million pieces, one can only imagine that her heart shattered as well. Everything she lived for was gone.
This unthinkable tragedy has turned not only Lee's life upside down- it has turned the entire world in an uproar. The world's foundation of strength has been shaken over the fall of this pillar, this example of achieving success in the areas of life that really matter. But we all know as one dynasty falls, another arises. In other words, as Big Bird stumbles, Elmo stands tall. As indoor tether ball looses its popularity, the WNBA gains some traction. In this case, imagine the woman who, at the time of Lee Redmond's car accident, had the world's second longest fingernails. What a bitter-sweet experience this was for this second place settler.
This is what I imagine may have happened to this second place holder the day she learned of Lee Redmond's accident:
It is a brisk February morn', as the world's second longest fingernail holder attempts to somehow, with her unbelievably long nails, use her computer mouse and keyboard to see the latest news on ksl.com, when to her surprise, she stumbles across this article http://www.ksl.com/?nid=333&sid=5578344. She begins reading and finds that the current record holder has just been in a car accident and broken her nails. As her heart fills with the excitement that only a world-record holder can experience, she screams a victory scream, as she waves her hands and dagger-nails about, slashing everything within reach, just like a Wolverine scene out of X-Men.
As the debris of paper, pencils, and random odds and ends around her computer station settles from her nail slashing, she begins to feel a bit of guilt realizing just how happy she is that this individual has been in a car accident. It is a battle of emotions as she tries to wrestle with her feelings of knowing she a world-record holder of such a noble endeavor, but at the same time realizing that a fellow nail-grower is on her death-bed (if not physical, perhaps emotional death bed). To calm herself down, she begins to softly scratch her cat, who is sitting on the other side of the room, her fingernails reach for what seem like miles, to her cats back.
It made her feel a little better, as she starred down at those curiously long, unhuman-like spears attached to her fingers. How many times she had been ridiculed by friend and foe alike. How many times in her youth had her mom had set her down and told her it was not sanitary to have nails that were so long she could not live a socially acceptable life. And it was true, she had sacrificed a lot for her nails. It was a life of ridicule and isolation. She thought back to a time five years ago- it was the time she realized her nails would no longer allow her to use her curling iron, the last of her personal hygiene items that she could manage with her nails. She had given up trying to put on make-up years before that, when she realized the deep, lasting scars from cuts she had made with her nails every time she applied her mascara. And years before that she’d chosen longer nails over the ability to use her toothbrush, Q-tips and other generally overlooked modern conveniences.
Looking back, she realized she had given up so much. She had chosen her nails over having any type of a social life. How many times had she walked down the hall at school, and as she raised her hand to wave at a boy, she ended up slashing him in the juggular. She had chosen her nails over the chance of going to any high-school dance. Later on in life she gave up the possibility of ever being employed by anyone other than the circuses and freak-shows that came through town. She had been laughed at her entire life. But who was laughing now? Who held the noble and much sought out title of "lady fingernails"?... She did! And she was going to let everyone know it! But she knew who she must contact first. It was her bed-ridden predecessor. She knew she must visit her and let her know of the years of admiration, envy, and inspiration that she had given her!
So, as we say farewell to 2009, I feel we all concur that this fingernail frenzy will not soon be forgotten. As a new year and decade begin to tenderly grow, not unlike the new set of Lee Redmond's fingernails, let us all remember that whatever "fingernail incident" we may be going through in our own lives, it may end up giving way to a victory for us and for others who are striving for success as well.
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